After Death
It’s been 10 days since I found my Mum. I am feeling a lot better than I was in the first week. I spoke to my brother today and he echoed my own feelings when I asked how he was doing.
“Yeah… better,” he said, and he sounded like it.
He was a lot brighter than last time we spoke. He’s lost his mobile phone (this happens often), so at the moment I can only speak to him on a Thursday when he visits my Dad. He is more resilient than I thought – I have worried about him every day since Mum died.
As for me, I am still restless at night, although I am very firm about not thinking about what happened. I simply put it out of my mind and focus on anything else.
The nights aside, I am doing okay. I’m in the midst of all of the practical things that you have to do after death. Funeral arrangements, notifying distant friends and relatives, sorting through possessions. I have removed four car loads of stuff from Mum’s flat. Every bag and box packed by me and brought down in the lift. Two car loads I recycled. Two car loads I brought back to our house and distributed the contents in piles upstairs, in the loft, and under my desk. There are at least two car loads still to come, plus all her furniture which will have to be taken away as I cannot store or use it.
This is the third death that I have personally cleared up after in the last few years and I can tell you that sorting out what is left of someone’s existence takes hours and hours of your time, most likely spread over months. The older I get, the less I like stuff. Having too much of it in the house makes me feel chaotic and overburdened. I have inherited a huge collection of things from Mum, who was a bit of a collector. It has reinforced my already solid commitment to minimalism. We can’t take anything with us when we go. All we do is leave it to someone else. Every piece of paper, every letter, every document, every diary, photograph and trinket – it all gets seen by someone when we die. Our life is laid bare, our secrets (if there is physical evidence of them) outed.
As long as we have the basics – utensils to eat, somewhere to sleep, something to keep us clean, access to good food, the luxury of an interest or hobby – what else do we really need?
Life is better lived than collected.
I will most likely set a date for the funeral tomorrow as I am seeing the funeral director that managed my Uncle’s funeral last year. I liked him a lot, so I’m glad he will be looking after Mum.
I feel like I cannot grieve in peace, or sort my own thoughts out, until everything is dealt with. The stuff, the endless stuff, the funeral, the ashes, the paperwork. It will be months before I can put this behind me, just as it was with Eric and my Nan.
I feel resentful of the administrative burden of death.
Getting our lives in good order, and ridding our homes of unused and unnecessary possessions will make for an easier time for our loved ones when we go, whenever that time may be. I certainly hope that when my time comes, my affairs and belongings are simple enough that my children can deal with them without excessive pain and aggravation.
I am so so sorry for your loss and what you and your brother are going through. Stay strong. Sending you much love and prayers . Fed xxx
It must feel never ending. You poor thing having done three 🙁
I am so sorry. I can’t even find words but am holding you gingerly in my thoughts and heart. I hope you can take time for yourself soon. Gosh.
“My Mum was so dreadfully sad and so unwell that I think there probably wasn’t much that could have altered the course of events in the long run”. Not probably – You are absolutely right 100%. It’s harder to accept than understand but it’s still true.
Thanks Sophie, very true. It’s been a tough few weeks, but death is a part of life for us all. xxx